When he thinks about moments like this - and you have to think about them sometimes, it's not the kind of thing you get to completely bury, not unless you want it to turn into something worse - he always thinks if the Qun hadn't taught him to keep from going too deep into the fade when he slept, if it didn't usually work, this is what nightmares would feel like. Watching another one die for him in that slow, inevitable way where his mind's moving quicker than his body ever could and he knows just how the next moment's going to play out and he knows just how it's going to feel afterward and his mind's already going through the familiar motions of remembering who was closest to the dead guy, who's going to need to be told sooner, who's going to need to be watched because of this cause they can't be trusted on the field any more - that whole thing. Procedures, practicalities.
He's talked to people about nightmares, what they do, what they feel like. At one point he'd decided that's what his nightmares, if he had them, probably would focus on, really make it stretch out. That moment where he feels the levers inside his mind pulling themselves and the gears turning all on their own, the instant just before they're done and the guy who just died beside him isn't a person any more.
Dorian ending that moment by not dying instead doesn't make it better, exactly. The Bull doesn't get a moment of realising the darkspawn's shitty, rusty sword isn't about to cut through Dorian after all because he sees Dorian turn his head first while the thing shrieks, sees Dorian shudder, knows more about blood spray than a lot of the people he's ever fought next to and he's sure - right then, he doesn't doubt at all - that the moment when he feels himself disconnect is still coming, it's just been put off for a while.
How long does it take one of the tainted ones to die, or turn? Longer for Dorian, probably. He's got experience with that already.
"Kick the fucking thing off the edge!" he hears himself say, harsh and angry. His hands are still. Another moment passes, and things don't go back to the way they were. And they aren't going to. So he goes to work on the gear again, for lack of anything else. He heaves all his weight onto it, and he grits his teeth. And they make it to the top.
"Don't touch him!" the Bull snaps once they do before the boss, still waiting for them at the edge, can say whatever she just opened her mouth to. "Don't know where all the blood hit. We need him disinfected, get a healer down here."
His voice is still harsh, abrupt, and it gets everybody moving. The boss isn't the type to take exception to someone else snapping orders, and everyone else is smart enough to know where the priority is when it comes to injuries. He gives the gear one final push, hears it lock itself into place, waves away the few who stick around trying to help him out and focuses on the slow process of moving himself over somewhere to sit and wait for whoever's going to figure out how to get his big, useless bulk up to the surface again.
He does some breathing exercises, at first. Gives up on them. Ends up taking them up again, mostly for something to do. He's settled in and waiting. Waiting as he sits there, as he leaves and gets out of the whole damned place and looks up and sees the sky again, waiting as he sits in the back of a cart rolling its way back to Skyhold and watches someone leading his nuggalope off there in the distance. At least this shitting ankle's good for that, keeping him from riding and giving him some distance from everyone else. It's not like he's the only one feeling this way but the boss is twitchy with it, up and moving all the time, flitting between him and Dorian but spending most of her time there, darting back once or twice to ask after his leg and tell him about the semi-isolation and the guards she's sure Dorian doesn't need. In this mood she's pretty easy to redirect so she doesn't end up asking about the Bull much, and easy to distract so she doesn't end up sitting with him all that long. It's not like he can't put the right face on for her but he isn't really in the mood, and right now doesn't really have to be. He's taking it easy, after all.
no subject
He's talked to people about nightmares, what they do, what they feel like. At one point he'd decided that's what his nightmares, if he had them, probably would focus on, really make it stretch out. That moment where he feels the levers inside his mind pulling themselves and the gears turning all on their own, the instant just before they're done and the guy who just died beside him isn't a person any more.
Dorian ending that moment by not dying instead doesn't make it better, exactly. The Bull doesn't get a moment of realising the darkspawn's shitty, rusty sword isn't about to cut through Dorian after all because he sees Dorian turn his head first while the thing shrieks, sees Dorian shudder, knows more about blood spray than a lot of the people he's ever fought next to and he's sure - right then, he doesn't doubt at all - that the moment when he feels himself disconnect is still coming, it's just been put off for a while.
How long does it take one of the tainted ones to die, or turn? Longer for Dorian, probably. He's got experience with that already.
"Kick the fucking thing off the edge!" he hears himself say, harsh and angry. His hands are still. Another moment passes, and things don't go back to the way they were. And they aren't going to. So he goes to work on the gear again, for lack of anything else. He heaves all his weight onto it, and he grits his teeth. And they make it to the top.
"Don't touch him!" the Bull snaps once they do before the boss, still waiting for them at the edge, can say whatever she just opened her mouth to. "Don't know where all the blood hit. We need him disinfected, get a healer down here."
His voice is still harsh, abrupt, and it gets everybody moving. The boss isn't the type to take exception to someone else snapping orders, and everyone else is smart enough to know where the priority is when it comes to injuries. He gives the gear one final push, hears it lock itself into place, waves away the few who stick around trying to help him out and focuses on the slow process of moving himself over somewhere to sit and wait for whoever's going to figure out how to get his big, useless bulk up to the surface again.
He does some breathing exercises, at first. Gives up on them. Ends up taking them up again, mostly for something to do. He's settled in and waiting. Waiting as he sits there, as he leaves and gets out of the whole damned place and looks up and sees the sky again, waiting as he sits in the back of a cart rolling its way back to Skyhold and watches someone leading his nuggalope off there in the distance. At least this shitting ankle's good for that, keeping him from riding and giving him some distance from everyone else. It's not like he's the only one feeling this way but the boss is twitchy with it, up and moving all the time, flitting between him and Dorian but spending most of her time there, darting back once or twice to ask after his leg and tell him about the semi-isolation and the guards she's sure Dorian doesn't need. In this mood she's pretty easy to redirect so she doesn't end up asking about the Bull much, and easy to distract so she doesn't end up sitting with him all that long. It's not like he can't put the right face on for her but he isn't really in the mood, and right now doesn't really have to be. He's taking it easy, after all.
It's going to be a long trip back.